


How coffee saved the earth

by DorianWilde



Series: Two times team-Torchwood acted unprofessionally and one time Jack quoted a Disney movie [3]
Category: Doctor Who, Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Disney, Drama, Gen, Humor, Humour, M/M, Romance, janto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-26
Updated: 2013-05-26
Packaged: 2017-12-13 02:09:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DorianWilde/pseuds/DorianWilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“How about we commandeer a helicopter from the Fire Service, fill it with coffee instead of water and just-” Jack made a 'dropping' gesture with both hands.</p><p>“Coffee-rain,” Ianto breathed, eyes shining.</p><p>The Doctor suspected the young man harboured a fondness for coffee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How coffee saved the earth

**Author's Note:**

> Two hundred brownie points to whoever can guess which Disney-movie Jack is quoting!

**AN: I am _so_ pleased with this fic. Please let me know if you like it! -Dorian**

The Doctor wasn't quite sure how he'd ended up working with _UNIT_. Again. Seeing Martha was always nice of course, being surrounded by guns at the heart of _UNIT's_ headquarters was much less so. They weren't pointed at him though, which was better luck than he had most days.

 

Aliens trying to conquer the Earth by occupying London Eye wasn't anything new. Aliens _taking hostages_ in London Eye, on the other hand, was entirely new and the Doctor couldn't just leave them hanging.

 

 _Yep. I went there._ The Doctor snickered silently at his own joke, glancing at Martha beside him, wondering if she'd appreciate it.

 

His train of thought was interrupted by Jack bursting through the doors, coat billowing behind him, followed by his team. Well, 'team' -- nowadays _Torchwood_ only consisted of Jack and his two companions; A curly haired man in a three piece suit and a woman with brown hair and a leatherjacket.

 

“Hello Doc, fancy seeing you here,” Jack greeted him cheerfully, looking genuinely delighted.

 

“Jack,” the Doctor smiled, trying to ignore the wrongness. Jack had earned that much.

 

“Ianto, Gwen, the Doctor.” Jack gestured towards him. “And vice versa.”

 

“Hello,” the Doctor greeted, getting polite nods in return.

 

“Martha,” Jack took both her hands in his, kissing them. “Always a pleasure.” Ianto rolled his eyes, exchanging a look with Gwen who grinned, showing off a small gap between her front teeth.

 

“Good to see you,” Martha smiled, hugging him. “You have to take up my mum's invitation one of these days,” she chastised, nudging his shoulder.

 

“I've been busy, ” Jack defended himself. “Doing, you know. Stuff.” He sent her one of his big, toothy grins, giving the Doctor the impression 'stuff' indicated something not appropriate for children under eighteen.

 

“Not to ruin the reunion,” Ianto said dryly, setting his laptop on one of the tables. “But you know, massive threat, deadline in three hours, vicious aliens, Earth being conquered?” He raised an eyebrow. “Ring any bells?” he asked, making Gwen snicker.

 

“Right!” Jack snapped his fingers. “Knew we were here for some reason,” he grinned.

 

“Let's get to it then,” Martha said, beginning a quick briefing while the Doctor walked around restlessly, sonicing random stuff and muttering to himself.

 

“So, what you're saying is you know absolutely nothing,” Ianto summed it up after Martha was done talking. “Well, except for where they are and that bullets won't stop them.”

 

“We do know they're very sensitive to crystalline xanthine alkaloid,” the Doctor said quickly, putting on his glasses. “I found some notes about it,” he added smugly, happy to prove the young Welshman wrong, resenting being told he knew nothing about, well, anything.

 

“... you mean caffeine?” Ianto asked, an eyebrow raised, face telling the Doctor he wasn't impressed.

 

Silence.

 

“Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I meant,” the Doctor sulked, taking off his glasses, putting them in a hidden pocket.

 

“Let's get some water guns and fill them with coffee?” Gwen suggested.

 

“Dibs!” Ianto immediately called.

 

“How do we get close enough to shoot them though?” Martha interjected. “They'll be able to see us coming in any direction.”

 

“How about we commandeer a helicopter from the Fire Service, fill it with coffee instead of water and just-” Jack made a 'dropping' gesture with both hands.

 

“Coffee-rain,” Ianto breathed, eyes shining.

 

The Doctor suspected the young man harboured a fondness for coffee.

 

“Sounds bulletproof. Let's do it!” The Doctor enthused, happy to finally be _doing_ something. Anything at all.

 

“We'll have to have people near by, taking care of potential runners,” general something or other said. “Johnsson, get us some water guns. Clarington, get your division ready for departure in twenty minutes. Smythe, take five men with you and collect coffee for the water guns.”

 

“What he said!” Jack agreed impishly, Martha chortling at the generals put out look.

 

All preparations were done in eighteen minutes and fourteen seconds. The Doctor was sure of it as he and Ianto timed it, momentarily bonding over the joys of stopwatches.

 

 _Torchwood_ and about two hundred _UNIT_ soldiers were lined-up in an underground garage, awaiting their final orders before leaving in the waiting cars. “Alright men,” general he-probably-had-a-name-but-the-Doctor-had-other-more-important-stuff-to-remember said. “Today we'll once again keep the earth safe. Today we'll protect our people, and defend our planet. God bless you.” He saluted his soldiers, the soldiers mimicking the gesture. The Doctor, standing off a bit to the side with Gwen and Ianto, looked meaningfully at Jack.

 

“Oh, right.” Jack cleared his throat, walking up to stand in front of the three of them, the eyes of everyone in the garage following his movements. “No time to talk. Now remember,” he said, looking seriously at them. “It's your first day of trainin', so listen to your teacher and no fightin',” he raised a finger at Gwen. “Play nice with the other kids,” he continued, looking at the Doctor, “unless, of course, one of the other kids wanna fight, then you have to kick the other kid's butt,” he finished, looking disciplinary at Ianto.

 

“Yes sir,” Ianto answered solemnly, while Gwen was biting her cheek to keep herself from laughing. The speech bemused the Doctor a bit, but on the whole he found it very inspiring.

 

“Off you go then,” Jack grinned, ruffling Gwen's hair, brushing invisible crumbs off the Doctors lapels and kissing Ianto smack on the lips. “Don't do anything I wouldn't do.”

 

“That'd be most things then?” Ianto sassed, hitching an eyebrow as they walked towards the car.

 

-'-'-

 

“My little babies,” Jack sighed as the car disappeared out of sight. “Off to destroy people.” He turned on his heel, heading back into headquarters.

 

“Did he just quote-?” the soldier next to Martha begun asking.

 

“Yes,” she confirmed, rolling her eyes. “Yes he did.”

 

 

 

 

 **AN:** Quote from Mulan. No brownie points if you cheated and read the answer down here.


End file.
